If The Euros Were Decided On Car Satisfaction…

As Spain trundle on relentlessly passing their way to what looks like Euro 2012 glory with only German efficiency and some nice Italian hair (except maybe Mario’s) to stop them, lets clutch at a few straws and see where England can win a tournament without having to face the dreaded penalty shoot out, because if we had to we would lose.

So I scoured the internet for clues and ideas as to how we could do it and found that by pitting the top European cars against each other, scoring them by customer satisfaction and only using countries actually AT Euro 2012, we could actually win the tournament.

How?

Well: first it’s all a case of finding out where cars are actually assembled (I told you there was a lot of straw clutching!) so, for example, the ‘Italian’ Fiat 500 is put together in Poland and the ‘German’ Volkswagen Scirocco comes out of Portugal.

And then it’s over to us – the customers – for a satisfying result.

KNOCKED OUT IN THE GROUP STAGES

Poland; who make the Fiat 500 in Tychy.

The cute, retro looks of the Fiat 500 got a maximum five stars for styling, and it helps that it has modern driving manners and impressive safety spec, but it only got an 84% satisfaction mark.

Spain; who make the VW Polo in Pamplona(where they run the bulls!)

Through to the final again, and favourites again, but an 83% satisfaction score has them leaving our competition early. Maybe that’s why they are good at football? – they get more time to practice.

KNOCKED OUT IN THE QUARTER-FINALS

Portugal: who make the VW Scirocco in Palmela.

Even with the silky skills of Nani and Ronaldo, it was the parking visibility and loading/storage that let this one down, ending up with an 87% satisfaction score. Good news for the Portuguese superstar though; high scores on handling performance, look and feel. He’ll be pleased with that!

France; who make the Renault Scenic in Douai.

The only MPV to make the list, like the team it flatters to deceive: A lot of space for people and luggage, high levels of safety and a great all-rounder. But only 85%. Could do better!

Germany; who make the BMW 5 Series in Dingolfing.

Surprisingly beaten by a last minute penalty that gave them 90%. It seems German efficiency wasn’t enough for you. It’s popular and it’s luxury, but it still fell at the QF hurdle.

Sweden; who make the Volvo XC70 in Torslanda.

Maybe they would have thought that 88% would have seen them through; but no! The XC70 has a mix of Running costs and severe depreciation outweighed luxury, practically and off-road ability. Better luck next time!

LOSING SEMI FINALISTS

Ukraine; who do a lot of work on the Skoda Octavia in Solomonovo.

Admittedly, it is assembled in a number of countries, including the Czech Republic and Russia, but they are one of the hosts so please cut them some slack. And the Oktavia got 91%, so it deserves to be here, representing whatever country.

Russia; who build the Nissan X-Trail in St. Petersburg.

Huge boot, great towing capacity, low depreciation and good standard equipment: what’s not to like? Obviously something as 91% saw it booted out at the semi-final stage in normal time.

LOSING FINALISTS

Czech Republic; who make the Skoda Yeti in Kvasiny.

The Yeti is a solid and robust family car with impressively low running costs, comfort and low noise – all combining to give it a 94% customer service satisfaction

But it wasn’t enough to beat…….

WINNERS

England, makers of the mighty Land Rover Discovery in Solihull.

The Land Rover Discovery is luxurious, refined and very comfortable, and 95% of customers like it! Winston Churchill, Maggie Thatcher, Paul Gascoigne, Bobby Charlton, Sir Roger Moore, Sir Henry Cooper, The NHS, The Mini Cooper, Her Majesty The Queen, Kate Middleton…. Proud to be English

And what does this blog tell us?

Basically, you can manipulate figures to say exactly what you want!